Can you hear that Queen’s song ? The one about bitting the dust ?
Because I just watched The Girl on the Third Floor for this review and it was one of the longest 1 hour and a half of my life… So yes, it will be a massacre !

Let me tell you a bit more about the movie before butchering it though…
Dan Koch (CM Punk), a fucked up / assholes ex- lawyer tries to renovate a mansion with a knocked up Mrs waiting back home. But the house seems to decided to play with him and even a bit more.

I can admit everything was there for that movie to be good : Blood, all kind of very gross shits, violent deaths and cute asses. But it ends up being a boring house refurbishment !
Let’s pretend we didn’t notice that CM Punk, with his caricatural performance, has nothing to do on a set and should go back on a ring and let’s focus more on the fact that he spends 70% of the movie, working on that house without anything really significant happening… Oh wait, he steps on a marble, my bad !

For the rest we’ve got the girls and they aren’t that bad. Trieste Kelly Dunn and Sara Brooks do the job Punk is unable to accomplish (I.E. acting) and Karen Woditsch as the enigmatic yet protective neighbor helps to set up a pretty disturbing atmosphere.
Sadly they only represents 30% of the movie which is definitely not enough to right the ship !

Don’t think I wasn’t willing to enjoy The Girl on the Third Floor but between an untalented ex wrestler and an underutilized fucked up face entity, it ends up being a “fucking Brothel” like we say in France !…